I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
