my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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