I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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