I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
