So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
