Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
