It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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