If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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