Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
