scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
