All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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