you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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