You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
