just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
