Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
