I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
