My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
