So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
