Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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