Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think I died a long time ago.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
