it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
