It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
