i jhust puked up my retainher.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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