tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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