having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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