I just threw up on my dentist
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
