i wish my penis had a tongue
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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