In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
