when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
