does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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