I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I want to fling myself into the sun
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
