Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
don't judge my taste in strippers
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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