drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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