Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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