I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
