I think I won the penis lottery.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
