I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
