Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Randomize
