the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
