She is in my trunk
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
