Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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