the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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