just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
