The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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