Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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