I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
