Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
