I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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