My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
