I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
